Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Disordered eating and all that jazz

I think I've managed to find the right big stick with which to beat off the lastest attempt of my eating disorder and my poor mental health to kill me. I'm still here, and they're whimpering in the corner, so I guess I was successful. *le sigh* I'm eating a bit more healthily, but I'm still taking in entirely too much sugar and refined carbohydrates. I know that part of that this week is due to PMS, but I really need to stop allowing that to be an excuse to eat whatever I want to. I really am having trouble getting my brain around the idea that I know a lot about nutrition and health and wellness but I can't seem to consistently put it into practice. I know what foods are good for me and which ones aren't so good. I know that I should get 45-ish minutes of cardiovascular activity per day and that I should stretch and do something to increase my strength and muscular endurance 2-3 times per week. I know what counts as "aerobic" activity and what doesn't. I could probably take your lifestyle, food likes/dislikes, &c and design a program that would bring you to good health. Hell, I can do that for me, but I can't seem to put it into practice. What the hell is up with that? I make all kinds of plans for my diet and exercise. I make lists of what I should do each day. Do I follow through? No. So, why not? Am I afraid to be healthy? Would being in good health take away the one thing that makes me "different". Would that remove any and all excuses for my being and doing everything I want to do in my life? Would it just show how much of a failure I really am, because I can't seem to get ahead regardless of the fact that I don't have anything dis-abling me?

I am really considering seeing if I can't find a hypnotherapist to work with me. I've thought about writing to Santa to see if he couldn't send me willpower for Christmas, but I figure that's a pretty big request. :-/ But, maybe a hypnotherapist could help me with my addiction to sugar and my lack of follow-through. Hell, I wonder if I taped myself telling myself to get my act together and played in on headphones while I meditate or something... I wonder if that would work.

All I know is that I am not healthy. The experts are starting to think that you can be fit & fat, but all I am is fat right now. My blood sugar oscillates too much and keeps creeping higher. My cholesterol... well, I don't know exactly what it is right now, but it was extremely high the last time I had it checked. I have trouble breathing from minimal exertion and that may or may not be due to asthma. My joints hurt both from Fibromyalgia and from the fact that I'm carrying around too darn much weight. If I don't get a significant amount of weight off and SOON, I'll be looking a two total knee replacements before I'm 40, and that thought doesn't fill me with warm fuzzy feelings. The way my hip is behaving, I may have something to "look forward to" in that regard, as well. Knowing all of this (none of which is new), why can I not seem to get my act together and get the gorram weight off? Why?

I don't expect anyone to really be able to answer that question for me. All I can do is keep trying. Maybe an answer will come to me in a dream or something.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Happy birthday to me... sort of.

Well, my birthday has come and gone. Unfortunately, the 10# I'd hoped to have lost by now are still there. *sigh* I'm trying to decide if I should just resign myself to the fact that I'm just not going to be able to lose weight without some serious help. Actually, I've pretty much decided that. Now comes the decision as to what constitutes "serious help". We've not yet been able to do the New Moon "fat suit removal" ritual. I've got to get that on our calendar. I know that will go a long way towards calling in the "big guns", as it were. I just can't seem to find the willpower I need to stay away from Cokes and candy and other carby goodies. I don't know if a low-carb diet is the answer or not. All I know is that I feel bloody awful. Awful.

Since I last wrote, I managed to aggravate my sciatic nerve. I expect I tried not to step on/trip over a cat and stepped wrong. Now, my hip is switching back and forth between hurting a little and hurting a lot. Point is, it almost always hurts these days. I need to go home and put my hot sock on it Anyway, I've been putting off any major exercise because the Race is this weekend and I want to be able to do it. I'm going to have to decide whether or not I'm really up for it, or not... I hate having to give into my horribly weak body. Dammit. But, after the weekend, I've got to get back to doing something for exercise. I received a Bellydancing DVD for my birthday, so I'm going to try that. Hopefully, it will help strengthen my hips so that I don't injure myself again, simply stepping over the cat. That gives me bellydancing, yoga, indoor walking, my pedaler, the NYC Ballet workout, the Ballet Workout, Tae-Bo, Richard Simmons, and Susan Powter to work out with. I have the Firm, too, but I don't know if I'll be able to do it without the step or not. But, that gives me a lot to choose from without leaving the house. I just need to work on getting the living room cleaned up so that I can use it to exercise in. I guess I should start there.

As for my diet. Sheesh. I don't know if I feel up to talking about it right now. I'm really hovering on the edge of the eating disorder. Right now, I'm pretty much giving myself carte blanche with regards to what I'm eating because at least I'm eating. Once the ED temptation eases a bit, then I'll be more discriminating.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Starting a walking program

Well, the hubby and I decided that we needed to start exercising. A lot of things went into this decision, but suffice it to say, we need to. Anyway, he called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the mall and walk and I told him that I wanted to come home and drop off my book bag first, because I didn't want to schlepp it around the mall. So, I did. We needed to also go get cat food so we knew we were going to end up at the grocery store. Well, I suggested that we start walking that direction and that we could always stop at one of the bus stops along the way if we started to get tired or whatnot. He thought that was a fine idea, so we headed out. We ended up walking the entire 2.5-ish miles to the Kroger, and it only took us about 45-50 minutes. I'm pretty impressed with us. This included stopping a couple of times along the way for stop lights and to take a drink of water. So, I really think that was good. I don't want to do a walk like that everyday right now, but it's good to know that we can. It'll also help us to know that there's a destination approximately 2.5 miles from us, so that we can use it to judge how we're doing in our 5K (3.1 mile) "training" since he wants to walk the Race for the Cure with us this year. I'm not sure if there is a built-in destination that is 3-ish miles or not, but we'll see if we can find one. (Maybe the Downtown Market and Brewery place?)

Because we did a "long" day yesterday, I'm going to suggest we do a "short" (~30 min or a much easier walk) day today... maybe @ the mall or something. I also want to get us doing some sort of resistance work 2-3X/week and flexibility every day. My flexibility isn't great and I think that his is worse. So... Also, to keep my knee from waving the white flag, I've got to start doing my PT exercises every day, too. They don't take long, I just have to do them. I can even do them @ work, so I really have no excuse. :-)

Now, if we can just get hubby a job that lasts longer than a couple of weeks so we can afford "real" food, we might just get ourselves healthy. This is a good thing.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Looking sideways...

Rather than looking up, things are looking sideways. I know that sounds a bit odd, but my life tends to lurk in the realm of the odd, so no one reading my blogs/journals/&c should be too terribly surprised. Anyway.... The recent gathering seems to have done the trick in re the recent bout of diahrrea. Being in sacred space stopped it, and it hasn't re-started, thank the Goddess. Only time will tell, I suppose, whether or not this was a one-time thing, or something I'll get to look forward to on a recurrent basis. I really hope that it was a one-time thing. I don't know how often I'll feel up to going through a two-week run of, well, the runs, without eschewing solid food altogether. Regardless, that health woe, at least, has gone.

A talk with O. @ the gathering helped me to realize that I've not yet done anything, magickally, regarding my weight/health/wellness. I keep trying and failing and getting frustrated. The really frustrating thing right now is just how awful I'm feeling. If it is a flare of the Fibromyalgia, then it's both the worst and the wierdest flare ever. I'm feeling just as badly, if not worse, than I was feeling pre-diagnosis, and I am not entirely sure why. Granted, with the diahrrea, I hadn't been taking my meds and supplements on a regular basis, and when I did, I didn't get to keep them in my system very long. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. I'm also terrifically stressed due to J. not working. He's out there, pounding the pavement and putting in applications. Hopefully, he'll get a few calls today and start work this week. That would be fabulous. He's really trying, so I can't fault him. He wasn't, then I threatened his PS2 games, and he started looking with a vengeance the next day. :-)

But, the long and the short of it is that I'm really tired and am not sleeping well. I don't know if I'm tired merely because I'm not sleeping well, or if they are two separate things, but there you are. I'm also aching hard. I've had pretty bad headaches again, but that is likely due to the construction going on in our building at work and the accompanying odors. I also need my eyes checked. The aches/pains are beyond the norm for the Fibro... *shrug* I'm also really aching in my left hip. That's likely due to the fact that I'd not been wearing my orthotics, but it's still hurting. I'd love to lay on the heating pad, but it's been so bloody hot, that I've not done so. I'm not breathing well and I'm not sure if that's due to any sort of infection in my upper respiratory tract, due to the chronic bronchitis that I have, due to allergens/ozone, or just due to the fact that I'm fat.

Oh, yeah. And I'm fat. *sigh*

So, over Labor Day weekend, J. and I are going to be doing a ritual for the New Moon in which we take off the fat suit. We're going to promote our health and wellness and part of that is losing some weight. Frankly, I don't know how much weight I need to lose, but I'm shooting for at least 75 pounds. It's really probably more like 125, but we'll see how I'm feeling when I've broken 200 (about 60 pounds away). I'm more interested in feeling better and looking better, and not too concerned with the actual number on the scale. I'm only going to weigh once a week and try not to get too hung up on the number. We're also, as a way to re-inforce the ritual, going to do a detox once/month on the new moon. I don't know if he's going to, but I'm going to keep a three-day food diary prior to the new moon and do my measurements, then do the de-tox fast. We're only going to do 24 hours, so as to not screw with blood sugar &c too badly.

  • Lose the appropriate amount of weight (with about 10 # of it by my birthday, I hope) [total amount between 75 and 125 pounds]
  • BMI in the "normal weight" range
  • Blood sugars normal for fasting, post-meal, and random
  • Cholesterol <>
  • Improved strength
  • Improved endurance
  • Improved cardiovascular health
  • Less joint pain
  • Improved sleep and energy levels
  • Clearer skin
  • Blood pressure 120/80 or better

Now, the how's are up in the air. I've developed a program, which is in my paper and pen journal. I've got logs for cardio and weight training in my day planner. I'll keep track of my workouts that way. I'm not going to get anal about my diet, because I get obsessed about it, if I'm not careful. Hence the three-day "spot check" once/month. That should be fine. If the spot checks look good, and I have workouts recorded, and I'm still not losing some weight, then I'll go see the doctor and see what he can further recommend. But I'm going to put magickal energy behind this effort. I'm also trying to figure out what my weight is masking... That's going to be the key, I think.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Montezuma's Revenge, or something

As I have written on my LiveJournal, I am suffering from what could be called Montezuma's Revenge, had I recently visited Mexico. I'm still not entirely sure the cause of it, and I'm really getting tired of it. All I know is that I've had nearly a week straight of extremely watery diarrhea (and I've learned the correct spelling of diarrhea because I've typed it so often...), nausea, loss of appetite, that sort of thing. So far, I'm not doing the jaundice thing or the fever thing... I don't know. My symptoms point to a number of different causes, mostly viral or bacterial in nature. Thusly, I've been somewhat loathe to go to the doctor because in the aforementioned cases, all he'll really be able to do for me is to write me a scrip for an antibiotic in the case of a bacterial infection and tell me to take it easy and get plenty of clear liquids in both cases. Right now, I just can't afford the co-pay for him to tell me to do something I'm already doing, anyway. I just hope that I can keep my errant bowels under control this weekend. Having this and having to cope with the porta-potties doesn't fill me with warm, fuzzy feelings, lemme tell ya.

The truly frustrating part of this is that, despite not taking in many calories and also *ahem* expelling a lot, I've not lost any weight. I figure, if I'm going to suffer from this, it sure would be nice to have a silver lining. Oh, well. Hubby thinks that I'm on a "system lockdown"... he's probably right, dammit. And, I know that not eating puts one's system into starvation mode, thereby lowering one's metabolism, &c. However, as someone who's been desparately trying to lose weight, the concept of not eating and still not losing has been extremely disheartening.

On top of that, I have a spider bite of undetermined origin. Probably nothing to be concerned about, but still.

And now, my damn head's starting to hurt. Prolly due to lack of caffiene, but... *sigh*

Monday, August 08, 2005

Still hating the scale and still feeling like crap

Frankly, I'm getting really tired of being tired and being sick. I have a chronic illness that cannot even have delusions of grandeur and be called a "disease". Nope. It's a "syndrome". Gah. I'm tired next to constantly. I'm not hungry half the time, and when I can convince myself to eat, the only things I seem to be able to keep down are junk.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. You know?

I'm down a couple of pounds since the "OH MY GOD" day, but I'm still quite a few above where I need to be. Hopefully, I'll get some more off, and keep 'em that way... We'll see.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I really hate the scale...

I normally have a hate-hate relationship with my scale. It hates what I weight and I hate what it says I weigh. However, I thought I was doing myself a favor by staying off of the scale for a while, which I've been doing. Well, for shits and grins this AM, I decided that I would step back on. Why did I do that? I'd been suffering under the mistaken impression that I weighed about 250. While that is still high, I was content to let that ride. Well, I stepped on this AM and the scale screamed back at me 265. My great Goddess!!!! While it's not healthy, my first thought was towards starving myself. I have to admit it. Even now, three+ hours later, I'm wondering how I could get away with not eating and not have anyone notice.... how I could let my body eat it's own fat, but still do something in order to maintain my muscle mass. How in 9 hells did I allow myself to get to 265 pounds????? How???


I have got to do something about this weight. While I'm still pretty sure I'm going to try the SBD, I'm still seriously contemplating WLS. With the new weight, I'm next to certain I'd qualify. But, could I deal with having my stomach stapled? With a plastic band restricting me? With being put under general anesthesia and cut open?

Yep. I'm fat. There's really no other "nice" way to put it. I'm fat. Dammit. And now I want to go either not eat at all until I start losing or stuff my face full of no-bake cookies. Gods! What the fuck is wrong with me????

Friday, July 29, 2005

Decisions, decisions...

I've been looking for an eating program (I -hate- the word "diet") that seems to be the most compatible with what I know my body to need. I'm insulin resistant & hypoglycemic. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Syndrome X (see the aforementioned insulin resistance), which bring with them increased risk of high cholesterol and high blood pressure. I'm overweight and out of shape. I did see a nutritionist and diabetes educator for about 6 months. While I'm not actually diabetic, my doctor and I decided that seeing a diabetes educator would be a good way to keep me from becoming so. So far, so good. However, the longer I stay overweight, the higher my risk of developing Type 2... so....

In my meetings with the nutritionist, we developed a "working plan" for my diet. Well, after following it for a few months, we decided that it was too high in carbohydrates for me to feel really -good-. So, she suggested that I lower my carbs a bit. Unfortunately, she left the practice and I ran out of patience before we could get my eating program ironed out. So, I've been looking on my own for something that is relatively low in carbohydrates and total fat, but that doesn't limit me too badly on "good" carbs. I probably could have cobbled something together on my own, but having something already written down seemed like a good idea. Well, I seem to have stumbled onto it... The South Beach Diet. The first two weeks are carb-restrictive, I guess to help cut cravings (I haven't made it through the book yet), but not Atkins-restrictive. Then you move to Phase 2 for as long as you need to in order to lose your extra weight. Looking at the food lists for the two phases, it really looks like a healthily-balanced program and very similar to what my nutritionist had started me on so many moons ago. So, I'm gonna give it a shot, as soon as I can get some food in the house. :-) They say you're supposed to be 8-13 pounds down after the first two weeks, which is kewl. Yes, that's not a LOT, but it's still 8-13 pounds more than I've been able to lose on my own. We'll see. I really don't want to get my hopes up, as I have had a monster time trying to lose weight. All I know is that I have GOT to do something. I am just miserable at this weight.

So, I'll give the SBD a go and see what that does. I need to go get my cholesterol checked anyway, to see if my triglycerides have come down.... that will give me a baseline. I really hope they've come down so that we can get an accurate LDL reading. I also don't want to have to add yet another pill... *sigh*

I guess that's all for today. Happy Friday, everyone.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Best laid plans...

I went home yesterday with the intention of getting in the pool for a bit. In fact, I called the husband from the transfer point to see if he wanted to dunk his feet in the water while I swimmed (I don't like being out there by myself...) and he'd agreed. But before I could get changed, the skies opened up and it thunderstormed until almost time for me to go to bed. So, that shot that idea. Oh, well.

Right now, we need to get our AC looked at. It's a wierd wall unit thingy like you'd see in a motel room. I'm not sure if it's shot or easily repaired or what. The major reason we've not had it looked at is because the living room is a wreck. So, I've decided that I'm not doing a very good job with cleaning the living room in time to actually get something done, so I'm going to re-locate the mess to another part of the house for the time being. That way, we'll be able to get the AC looked at and I'll be able to deal with the mess in bit-sized peices in the cool. But, the best part about it is that the living room (really the only room the AC will adequately cool) will be cleared out so that I'll be able to do Yoga or one of my exercise vids in cool. I'm not sure how we'll cool the bedroom for the next month or so... maybe we'll just cut off the AC at night and open the window... we'll see. Maybe the fan will be enough to pull the cooler air into the room. Dunno.

Anyway, if it stays this cool for the next few days, then I'll be able to do more work in the living room, which is always good. Being able to have exercise options is also good.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Wellness Journal

Since this is a blog that very few ppl know about, I've decided to make it my fitness/wellness journal. I expect that I shall have many rants here about my progress, or lack thereof. To start it off just right, here's my story thus far...

I was born at 6 pounds and just a few ounces. I'm sure that my parents could tell me for sure. Anyway, I expect that my relatively low birthweight was due to the fact that my mother smoked while pregnant with me. Still... Through much of my early childhood, I stayed active. I enjoyed just being a kid and playing outside, when my parents would let me. When we moved out of Denver, the playing outside was allowed a lot more frequently, as there were fewer threats of child abduction, LSD stickers, and the like where we lived. I loved riding my horse, roller skating, ice skating, snowmobiling, playing on the playground, etc. I even enjoyed running track, playing volleyball, and doing gymnastics. There wasn't a swimming pool in the town where we lived, so any swimming was relegated to the periodic trips to Steamboat Springs. But I still enjoyed it.

Then, in the summer between my 5th grade year and my 6th grade year, we left Colorado to move to Tulsa, OK. I suppose that made the most sense, as we wouldn't have to start a new school mid-year. But, the sudden plunge into 90+ degree heat about did me in. On top of the heat was the sudden oxygen. I know that doesn't make sense to most people, but I suddenly found it difficult to breathe that much air. My younger sister didn't seem fazed by it, but for some reason, I found it difficult to even walk to the bus stop. Still, over the next couple years, I did manage to get used to it. I did some pseudo-track running (i.e. I never ran for a team or anything, but there was a track where you could run and it was marked the same way that the "real" track was) and walked to/from school &c. I did dance and stuff, but never took official classes. I'd thought about trying out for cheerleading in middle school, but even if my gymnastic ability got good enough to try out (which I would have made it get good enough), my parents would not have ever shelled out the thousand dollars for uniforms, &c. So....

Then we moved schools again my 8th grade year. I signed up for gym, even though I didn't have to because I thought it would be a good source of exercise. Sadly, I developed low blood pressure that year and got yanked out of gym and put in Home Ec. Not such a bad thing, really, but I think that I'd have been better off in gym, considering the course of events that year.... That was the year my parents got divorced. So, about half way through my 8th grade year, I turned to food as my friend because I knew it wouldn't fail me. I gained about 15 pounds, I guess. This was also the same year that my boyfriend's parents told him to break up with me because I wasn't "good enough" for him and the same year that I developed Bell's Palsy (or whatever it is... I say "is" because there are still lingering effects from it to this day). Quite a year. I got depressed (and never really got un-depressed...) and mostly quit doing anything active. At the end of the year, I decided to try out for cheerleading. The squad at MHS didn't require high-falutin' gymnastics and they supplied the uniforms so I figured I didn't have anything to lose. Well, I didn't make it that year. At the beginning of my 9th grade year, I saw signs for the color guard auditions. I didn't really know what that was, but decided I'd try out anyway. Turns out, I was pretty darn good at it, and enjoyed it to boot. For my entire high school years I was on the color guard, three of them as co-captain. I kept trying out for cheerleading, too. Finally, at the end of my sophmore year, I made it. I'm not entirely sure why I kept trying out, even though I kept not making the squad, but I did.

In the midst of all this, I developed an eating disorder. I think that the most I weighed during HS was 140. I thought I was HUGELY fat. I started starving myself. Then I would binge. To atone for the binge, I'd starve for a couple of days and/or exercise like a crazy person. I walked to/from school everyday, cheered at basketball games a couple nights a week during the spring, marched at football games and at contests during the fall, had practice every afternoon for either cheerleading or color guard, had early morning band every morning... I was not lazy during high school. But I thought I was. And I thought I was fat. Little did I know...

When I graduated from HS, I weighed about 140 (closer to 135, maybe). In the next 4 years, I gained 30 pounds. Part of that was due to where we lived when I moved to TN. I couldn't walk everywhere like I did in OK. I did start ice skating pretty regularly, and even took lessons. I took dance classes (finally). I got to UT and walked more to get to classes and such, but the dining hall food did me in. Especially when I had the injury that hurt my back so badly and I didn't exercise like I used to. By the time I graduated from UT, I weighed 175. In the next year, I gained another 20 pounds, due to being depressed from not having a job despite having a degree. When hubby and I got married in 1996, I weighed about 195 pounds.

In the last 10 years, I've gotten a job that I really like, but it's mostly a sit-down job. I do get up and move around, but I don't -have- to. I've tried a myriad of diets and exercise programs, but I'm still weighing in at 250+ pounds (don't know for sure, my scale isn't very accurate). I need, according to my nutritionist, to lose about 75 pounds or so. I would like to lose around 100. But, we'll see how I feel when I break 200 and hit "one-derland". I've checked out the South Beach Diet book from the library, as it is the closest published diet to the one that the nutritionist put me on. It's relatively low-carb but also relatively low-fat. I think that's what I'll feel best on. I'll give it a read and see if that's really where I want to go and then make sure that our budget continues to allow it.

Exercise, right now, is difficult. For one thing, it's in the mid- to upper-90's with a heat index near 100. For another, the ozone level is high, making it difficult for me to breathe. I need to get in the pool more often... that's something I can do with the heat and ozone being high. When it cools down some, I want to start walking more. But I really need new shoes before I do much walking. The ones I have are shot. For now... I think the pool is my best option. Hubby needs new trunks before he can get in the pool with me, but he could come down and put his feet in the water maybe.

Anyway, this blog will be my journey towards wellness... I hope. What I'm eating and drinking, what I'm doing, that sort of thing. I'm not going to be anal about it, but I've got to do -something-.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Well, I just figured out why.

One of the reasons this is a good site to blog on is that it is a bit difficult for anyone to find out this blog even exists. You have to advertise that you are here in order to get traffic to your blog. I'm okay with that. A little anonymity goes a long way for me. If someone knows I'm here and they want to come comment, I suppose that is okay. But, I'm not posting for the sheer delight of collecting comments. I post because I usually have something to say, even if it's nothing more exciting than I am glad it's Friday. So, there you go.

Why? Cuz I could...

I am not really entirely sure why I'm creating a new blog... I guess it's cuz I could. I may even completely forget that it's here and never post to it, but... I do have a blog somewhere else, but I guess I needed a change of atmosphere.... We'll see what happens.