Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Disordered eating and all that jazz

I think I've managed to find the right big stick with which to beat off the lastest attempt of my eating disorder and my poor mental health to kill me. I'm still here, and they're whimpering in the corner, so I guess I was successful. *le sigh* I'm eating a bit more healthily, but I'm still taking in entirely too much sugar and refined carbohydrates. I know that part of that this week is due to PMS, but I really need to stop allowing that to be an excuse to eat whatever I want to. I really am having trouble getting my brain around the idea that I know a lot about nutrition and health and wellness but I can't seem to consistently put it into practice. I know what foods are good for me and which ones aren't so good. I know that I should get 45-ish minutes of cardiovascular activity per day and that I should stretch and do something to increase my strength and muscular endurance 2-3 times per week. I know what counts as "aerobic" activity and what doesn't. I could probably take your lifestyle, food likes/dislikes, &c and design a program that would bring you to good health. Hell, I can do that for me, but I can't seem to put it into practice. What the hell is up with that? I make all kinds of plans for my diet and exercise. I make lists of what I should do each day. Do I follow through? No. So, why not? Am I afraid to be healthy? Would being in good health take away the one thing that makes me "different". Would that remove any and all excuses for my being and doing everything I want to do in my life? Would it just show how much of a failure I really am, because I can't seem to get ahead regardless of the fact that I don't have anything dis-abling me?

I am really considering seeing if I can't find a hypnotherapist to work with me. I've thought about writing to Santa to see if he couldn't send me willpower for Christmas, but I figure that's a pretty big request. :-/ But, maybe a hypnotherapist could help me with my addiction to sugar and my lack of follow-through. Hell, I wonder if I taped myself telling myself to get my act together and played in on headphones while I meditate or something... I wonder if that would work.

All I know is that I am not healthy. The experts are starting to think that you can be fit & fat, but all I am is fat right now. My blood sugar oscillates too much and keeps creeping higher. My cholesterol... well, I don't know exactly what it is right now, but it was extremely high the last time I had it checked. I have trouble breathing from minimal exertion and that may or may not be due to asthma. My joints hurt both from Fibromyalgia and from the fact that I'm carrying around too darn much weight. If I don't get a significant amount of weight off and SOON, I'll be looking a two total knee replacements before I'm 40, and that thought doesn't fill me with warm fuzzy feelings. The way my hip is behaving, I may have something to "look forward to" in that regard, as well. Knowing all of this (none of which is new), why can I not seem to get my act together and get the gorram weight off? Why?

I don't expect anyone to really be able to answer that question for me. All I can do is keep trying. Maybe an answer will come to me in a dream or something.