I'm so mad at myself right now. If that were productive, I'd let it continue, but it isn't. I've been binging on Halloween candy, and that has left me UP 5-ish pounds from last week. I've also not been light with the salt shaker, so I know that part of it is water retention. I can make all the excuses that I want to, but it comes down to the fact that I am fat and out of shape and I cannot seem to find the switch in my head that will help me eat what I need to be eating to most efficiently and effectively fuel my body. There are people who just naturally eat what they are supposed to, exercise the right amount, and stay naturally their ideal weight. Let's take a moment to define some terms, shall we?
Supposed to: In reference to eating, this means the fuel that runs the body at it's optimum levels, while helping it maintain its ideal weight (see "ideal weight").
Right amount: In reference to exercise, this means the amount needed to maintain healthy body systems, particularly cardiovascular and muscular systems.
Ideal weight: The number on a measuring device (i.e. scale) which reflects a body's healthy state. The healthy state means normal blood test results including blood glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, and insulin, as well as all body functions happening at a normal level.
I don't give a rat's skinny behind whether I ever look like a supermodel. I never will, I'm about 6 inches too short, for one thing. :-) I want my body to be able to function and do what I ask it to do while having the energy with which to do it. Right now, sitting upright or standing for even 10-15 minutes requires superhuman effort. I am carrying around WAAAAAY too much extra mass, and it needs to go away. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about appearance at all. I do. But I want to look my best, not some media-driven ideal.
So, how do I flip the switch in my head? I guess the first step would be to find out if I have that switch to begin with. Do I care enough about myself and my health to want to devote the time and energy it will take to shed over 100 pounds? If not, can I borrow someone else's give a shit? I know that there are other people who care enough about me and my health, so maybe I can borrow some caring about it from them if I don't have enough. If I find that I do have enough (or have borrowed some), do I have enough stamina to see the course? Will simply getting back onto Weight Watchers and getting back into the gym be enough? Do I have enough internal fortitude to get through this, or do I need help? If I need help, what form should it take? Is it as simple as finding the money to go to WW meetings once a week? Or do I need something more like accupuncture, hypnosis, or therapy? Or do I need something even more, like surgery? These are the questions I'm wrestling with. I know there are no easy answers. If acheiving and maintaining a healthy weight were easy, we wouldn't be the fattest country on the planet.
First step, though, is that I've declared a moritorium on Halloween candy. We will have no more in the house, thankyouverymuch. Second step, I took my AM walk break this morning. Even if I feel up to doing nothing else, I will do that. It showed me just how badly out of shape I've allowed myself to become. Third step, I did my WW Points quiz to find out how many Points I should have per day, and I will start counting Points again. I'll see if adding exercise and starting to count Points again will be enough for me to start seeing the scale's number move in the downward direction. If I'm not losing at all by doing that by the end of the year, I'll talk with the doc about it, and see what he recommends.
I'm still mad at myself, but it's easing off some.
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