Looking sideways...

Rather than looking up, things are looking sideways. I know that sounds a bit odd, but my life tends to lurk in the realm of the odd, so no one reading my blogs/journals/&c should be too terribly surprised. Anyway.... The recent gathering seems to have done the trick in re the recent bout of diahrrea. Being in sacred space stopped it, and it hasn't re-started, thank the Goddess. Only time will tell, I suppose, whether or not this was a one-time thing, or something I'll get to look forward to on a recurrent basis. I really hope that it was a one-time thing. I don't know how often I'll feel up to going through a two-week run of, well, the runs, without eschewing solid food altogether. Regardless, that health woe, at least, has gone.

A talk with O. @ the gathering helped me to realize that I've not yet done anything, magickally, regarding my weight/health/wellness. I keep trying and failing and getting frustrated. The really frustrating thing right now is just how awful I'm feeling. If it is a flare of the Fibromyalgia, then it's both the worst and the wierdest flare ever. I'm feeling just as badly, if not worse, than I was feeling pre-diagnosis, and I am not entirely sure why. Granted, with the diahrrea, I hadn't been taking my meds and supplements on a regular basis, and when I did, I didn't get to keep them in my system very long. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. I'm also terrifically stressed due to J. not working. He's out there, pounding the pavement and putting in applications. Hopefully, he'll get a few calls today and start work this week. That would be fabulous. He's really trying, so I can't fault him. He wasn't, then I threatened his PS2 games, and he started looking with a vengeance the next day. :-)

But, the long and the short of it is that I'm really tired and am not sleeping well. I don't know if I'm tired merely because I'm not sleeping well, or if they are two separate things, but there you are. I'm also aching hard. I've had pretty bad headaches again, but that is likely due to the construction going on in our building at work and the accompanying odors. I also need my eyes checked. The aches/pains are beyond the norm for the Fibro... *shrug* I'm also really aching in my left hip. That's likely due to the fact that I'd not been wearing my orthotics, but it's still hurting. I'd love to lay on the heating pad, but it's been so bloody hot, that I've not done so. I'm not breathing well and I'm not sure if that's due to any sort of infection in my upper respiratory tract, due to the chronic bronchitis that I have, due to allergens/ozone, or just due to the fact that I'm fat.

Oh, yeah. And I'm fat. *sigh*

So, over Labor Day weekend, J. and I are going to be doing a ritual for the New Moon in which we take off the fat suit. We're going to promote our health and wellness and part of that is losing some weight. Frankly, I don't know how much weight I need to lose, but I'm shooting for at least 75 pounds. It's really probably more like 125, but we'll see how I'm feeling when I've broken 200 (about 60 pounds away). I'm more interested in feeling better and looking better, and not too concerned with the actual number on the scale. I'm only going to weigh once a week and try not to get too hung up on the number. We're also, as a way to re-inforce the ritual, going to do a detox once/month on the new moon. I don't know if he's going to, but I'm going to keep a three-day food diary prior to the new moon and do my measurements, then do the de-tox fast. We're only going to do 24 hours, so as to not screw with blood sugar &c too badly.

Goals:

• Lose the appropriate amount of weight (with about 10 # of it by my birthday, I hope) [total amount between 75 and 125 pounds]
• BMI in the "normal weight" range
• Blood sugars normal for fasting, post-meal, and random
• Cholesterol <>
• Improved strength
• Improved endurance
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Less joint pain
• Improved sleep and energy levels
• Clearer skin
• Blood pressure 120/80 or better

Now, the how's are up in the air. I've developed a program, which is in my paper and pen journal. I've got logs for cardio and weight training in my day planner. I'll keep track of my workouts that way. I'm not going to get anal about my diet, because I get obsessed about it, if I'm not careful. Hence the three-day "spot check" once/month. That should be fine. If the spot checks look good, and I have workouts recorded, and I'm still not losing some weight, then I'll go see the doctor and see what he can further recommend. But I'm going to put magickal energy behind this effort. I'm also trying to figure out what my weight is masking... That's going to be the key, I think.

Montezuma's Revenge, or something

As I have written on my LiveJournal, I am suffering from what could be called Montezuma's Revenge, had I recently visited Mexico. I'm still not entirely sure the cause of it, and I'm really getting tired of it. All I know is that I've had nearly a week straight of extremely watery diarrhea (and I've learned the correct spelling of diarrhea because I've typed it so often...), nausea, loss of appetite, that sort of thing. So far, I'm not doing the jaundice thing or the fever thing... I don't know. My symptoms point to a number of different causes, mostly viral or bacterial in nature. Thusly, I've been somewhat loathe to go to the doctor because in the aforementioned cases, all he'll really be able to do for me is to write me a scrip for an antibiotic in the case of a bacterial infection and tell me to take it easy and get plenty of clear liquids in both cases. Right now, I just can't afford the co-pay for him to tell me to do something I'm already doing, anyway. I just hope that I can keep my errant bowels under control this weekend. Having this and having to cope with the porta-potties doesn't fill me with warm, fuzzy feelings, lemme tell ya.

The truly frustrating part of this is that, despite not taking in many calories and also *ahem* expelling a lot, I've not lost any weight. I figure, if I'm going to suffer from this, it sure would be nice to have a silver lining. Oh, well. Hubby thinks that I'm on a "system lockdown"... he's probably right, dammit. And, I know that not eating puts one's system into starvation mode, thereby lowering one's metabolism, &c. However, as someone who's been desparately trying to lose weight, the concept of not eating and still not losing has been extremely disheartening.

On top of that, I have a spider bite of undetermined origin. Probably nothing to be concerned about, but still.

And now, my damn head's starting to hurt. Prolly due to lack of caffiene, but... *sigh*

Still hating the scale and still feeling like crap

Frankly, I'm getting really tired of being tired and being sick. I have a chronic illness that cannot even have delusions of grandeur and be called a "disease". Nope. It's a "syndrome". Gah. I'm tired next to constantly. I'm not hungry half the time, and when I can convince myself to eat, the only things I seem to be able to keep down are junk.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. You know?

I'm down a couple of pounds since the "OH MY GOD" day, but I'm still quite a few above where I need to be. Hopefully, I'll get some more off, and keep 'em that way... We'll see.

I really hate the scale...

I normally have a hate-hate relationship with my scale. It hates what I weight and I hate what it says I weigh. However, I thought I was doing myself a favor by staying off of the scale for a while, which I've been doing. Well, for shits and grins this AM, I decided that I would step back on. Why did I do that? I'd been suffering under the mistaken impression that I weighed about 250. While that is still high, I was content to let that ride. Well, I stepped on this AM and the scale screamed back at me 265. My great Goddess!!!! While it's not healthy, my first thought was towards starving myself. I have to admit it. Even now, three+ hours later, I'm wondering how I could get away with not eating and not have anyone notice.... how I could let my body eat it's own fat, but still do something in order to maintain my muscle mass. How in 9 hells did I allow myself to get to 265 pounds????? How???

*sigh*

I have got to do something about this weight. While I'm still pretty sure I'm going to try the SBD, I'm still seriously contemplating WLS. With the new weight, I'm next to certain I'd qualify. But, could I deal with having my stomach stapled? With a plastic band restricting me? With being put under general anesthesia and cut open?

Yep. I'm fat. There's really no other "nice" way to put it. I'm fat. Dammit. And now I want to go either not eat at all until I start losing or stuff my face full of no-bake cookies. Gods! What the fuck is wrong with me????