Woosh! There it is!

So, okay... I got up this AM and got dressed and ready to go to the doctor for my third of 6 visits on this 6 month thing. I figured that, if I weighed myself on my scale fully dressed, including my shoes, that I'd have a good idea of what to brace myself for at his office. My scale read 295.6. That did -not- make me happy, especially considering I walked home 1.5 miles in nearly 75% humidity, lugging my laptop. I've been sweating. I've been eating, if not 'right', then better. I've been drinking water like it's going out of style. And I step on my scale to a GAIN? I don't -think- so. So, I'm bracing myself for the lecture that will come -this- month.

Then I get on my doctor's notoriously evil scale. The one that hates me so much that it usually weighs me 2-3 pounds heavier than the one at home. And I'm at 292#. Not only is that 3.6# lighter than at home, it's 6# lighter than last month's weigh-in. Yeah, I'll take it. :-) Thankfully, my schedule opens up next week, so I can start really working out and swimming every night until the pool closes on Labor Day. After that, I'll need to start going to the pool at the YMCA. I'll figure out my workout plan this week and hit it on Tuesday. My class on Monday is only an hour long, so I might actually be able to fit in a 30-45 minute swim on Monday, too. I'll just have to see how the weather is doing.

Anyway. I'm supposed to lose 15-30 pounds pre-op. If I can get 6#/mo for the next three months, I'm golden.

I can has Fall nao?

Sorry for the LOL speak, but... there you go. I am so gorram tired of this heat. It should -not- be 80 degrees F at 8:00AM. Seriously. Even LA is supposed to be cooler today than it is here, and that's just not right. The heat has me really frustrated because, with my schedule, I've not been able to get into the pool like I'd like to and the heat is making it nearly impossible for me to walk without courting heat stroke. Even if I were to suck down my body weight in water, the humidity makes it very difficult for the body's sweat to do its job: to cool me down. If my sweat can't evaporate, then it just makes me feel even hotter, which overheats me to the point of nausea. Gah! Thankfully, my semester is over as of Monday, which means my schedule switches to my Fall term schedule, which will allow for more evenings/week that I can actually go to the gym. It's not my favorite thing, especially if it means doing cardio at the gym, but at least there is AC. Frankly, I'm planning two days/week of weight training and then swimming the other days as long as weather permits (and our pool is open). I've thought about doing upper body two days/week and lower body two days/week, but I'm not sure if I'm that hard core yet. ;-) I'll ponder that some more.

For the time being, though, I need to ponder getting the rest of my assignments done before the end of the term. Sleep? Who needs it? :-) Oh, yeah, I kinda do...

Love-Hate Relationships

I'm in a love-hate relationship with my scale right now. Actually, it's probably more of a hate-hate relationship ATM because I hate that it's not showing that I've made any progress (unless you count -gaining- as progress) and it hates me right back. I don't know if I'm really retaining fluid or what but I'm not able to get below 290 again. :-( This weekend's weigh-in had me at 290.4. Is it too much to ask that I'm actually down when I go see my doctor on Wednesday? Sheesh.

I didn't find the handout with my pre-op behavioral guidelines, but I -was- brilliant enough to copy them into my journal, so that's something, at least. I am frustrated, though, because Saturday was National Dance Day and I didn't feel up to doing more than "dancing" in my chair while I watched "Footloose". Next year, though. Darn it.

I'm so glad that the summer term is over as of Monday next. That means that, starting Tuesday, I'll be able to work out like I'd like to and get myself into the habit of exercising. Weather permitting, I'll be swimming as much as possible until Labor Day, when our pool closes. I will also be doing some strength training a couple of days/week and flexibility every day. I know that I'll have some loose skin to deal with after surgery, but I'm hoping that staying hydrated, making sure I'm getting my protein and doing weight lifting will help keep it to a minimum. Otherwise, Spanx will become my friend. :-)

I'm tired today, but I did want to make sure I posted -something-. I'll be sure to report on my doctor's visit on Wednesday.

Please tell me it gets better...

I have to say that, right now, I am so gorram sick of chicken. I've made a pact with the husband that we will go to the supermarket this weekend so that I can start bringing my lunch again. He's (finally) come to the realization that following my program, especially with regards to the protein requirements, will assist with the healing of his leg ulcers. So, we're both going to be switching to a protein-heavy diet. I've got to figure out -some- variety because eating the same thing everyday gets old. I understand that I may just have to deal with that, but it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to. :-) The reason I'm currently so tired of chicken is because I've been eating in the cafeteria here at the college, and protein choices are limited. So I've been getting a veggie from the hot line and a grilled chicken breast from the grill line. I'm also getting tired of broccoli for the same reason. You wouldn't think that a variety of low-carb veggies would be that difficult a concept, but it apparently is.

I'm hoping that the copy of the pre-op behavior guidelines that I got the last time I was at FWLC is in my "bible" (the notebook I'm to keep with all the paperwork for pre-op stuff). I -think- I was actually brilliant enough to put it there, but I guess we'll see. Otherwise, I've no clue where it's gotten to because it's not in my other "brain" (my day planner). Hmmm. I know most of them, but it would be nice to be able to have that list so I could refer to it if I feel like I'm veering off course. I did manage a 20-minute walk on Monday, which wasn't planned but still executed. Yay me.

Basically, I need to devise a menu that offers ~25g of protein at each of 3 meals (and protein shakes might become my friend), low sugar, low fat, and moderate kCal that are also high in fiber. I need to meet all of those requirements and still stick to my food budget. Yeah, no pressure. Thankfully, beans fit that bill quite nicely. :-)I also need to come up with a plan for getting my 60+ minutes of movement in per day. Once my summer term is over, that should become easier because my classes in the Fall are on Wednesday and Saturday mornings, leaving my evenings free, except for Wednesday because it's my late day. Wednesday may have to be a non-traditional movement kind of day. :-) I'll get it figured out.

Since I have three more months after next Wednesday for my 6 month program, I HAVE to average at least 5 pounds/month to be on track for my 15-pound loss before surgery. I'd -really- like to lose a bit more than that, but I don't know that I'll be able to. If I could lose weight easily, I wouldn't be considering WLS, right? *sigh* 5#/month = 1.25#/week, which is doable if I can get my eating/exercise balance. 10#/month (would get me 30# off before surgery) = 2.5#/week, which is still doable, but less so. I guess we'll just have to see if I can convince my body to give me a few wooshes and really commit to my eating/exercise/life balance.

Wish me luck!

Rough day on Friday; rough weekend to follow

Had a pretty rough day on Friday. One of my friends is currently on my "I'm so angry at you because I'm so worried about you, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to pinch your little head off" list. He did yet another thing to light a candle on the shrine of his vilification and I responded badly. Not only did I break one of my cardinal rules, which is to NEVER respond to an email while angry, I ended up completely breaking nearly every one of my pre-op rules at lunch. I balanced it out by going home and getting in the pool. The weather held out and the pool was deserted when I got home, so I was out of excuses. :-) I didn't swim the whole time, but I did swim, run in place, do an upper body routine, and walk in the water for 30 minutes. I felt that was a good first outing. I was sore afterward and I probably should've eaten and waited to get in the pool so that my blood sugar would've been a bit more normal when I started. But, lesson learned. Saturday was the memorial service for the friend I called Brother, whose death I mentioned in my last post. It was pretty rough. It was an outdoor memorial because we're all a bunch of tree-hugging dirt worshippers. :-) So it was HOT. The heat index over the weekend was something like 101 degrees. So, yeah, it probably wasn't my best thought to walk from the downtown convention center to the Strip. At least I had water with me. I really hate exercising inside, but that's pretty much the option left to me because of the heat and humidity. The pool was OK and it's still an option. But I'm -so- ready for fall.

I have my next appointment with my internist on 08/04. I really hope that my body will actually cooperate and let me maybe have a woosh! so that I can really get on the losing train. It is my intention to go to the August support group meeting (and as many thereafter as I can) which will knock another requirement out of the way. After my August appointment with my internist, I'll have three more before the 6-month Medically Supervised program is complete. I honestly don't know where I go from there. I am -hoping- that will be when the Patient Advocate starts rattling the cage of my insurance company to try to get my approval. I'm still hoping for a surgery date around 12/17/2010 since I'll already have the next two weeks scheduled off. All I know is that I want the summer of 2010 to be my LAST fat summer. Next year, I want to be at a point where I feel comfortable in my bathing suit rather than mortified. Next year, I want to be hot and sweaty because it's nearly 100 degrees, not because it's 85 and I'm 150 pounds overweight. I want to be comfortable in shorts and tank tops when it's hot, and not swealtering in t-shirts and long pants because I don't feel comfortable showing my legs. Damn it.

I was at 290.2 on Saturday. I've sort of decided that's my "official" weigh-in day. I'll continue to weigh daily, but I'll only worry about what it is on that day. So, I went ahead & changed my ticker even though I'm back up today. :-/ I'm drinking lots of water and will hopefully flush sodium so that I'll be back on track. I -have- to go to the library tomorrow and get a draft of my paper written. Either that, or come home, swim, then lock myself in my bedroom with my references and write. I'll see how I feel in the AM. I may also be able to go to the library for a couple of hours, then come home & swim. I'm just going to play it by ear.

RIP My Brother

Just heard that a man I consider a brother just passed away. This is the second person I know to have died from complications from a stroke -this- month. Granted, they both had underlying health conditions that made a stroke even more complicated than they would be in an otherwise healthy person. Still...

Everyone, take care of yourselves. I don't want to get yet another phone call.

Frustrated Beyond Belief

I'm having a very up-and-down week. I'm taking my anti-depressants, so I'm not sure what's up. I do know that I'm frustrated. Part of it is my fault, part of it is my reluctant-to-cooperate body's fault.

So, okay. I live approximately 2 miles from the library where I go to study. It's really probably closer to 1.75 actually, but I can't be assed to check for sure. Maybe later. Anyway, I'd been walking home from the library on study nights before I sprained my ankle. Yeah, it's been hot, it's been humid, I can't breathe, yada yada yada. Then I turned my ankle and couldn't even do the 20-minute loop around the pond here on campus for about three weeks. I walked home on Friday, and did OK. Saturday, I hit my lowest weight I'd been in a LONG time: 289.8. I was excited to put that into my ticker on Monday, but didn't because I popped right back up to 293.2 on Monday. Grrrr. I'm the first to admit that my eating habits haven't been the greatest this week. However, the fact that I'm back up to 294.5 this morning makes me a very unhappy girl. Especially given the fact that I walked home from the library Tuesday carrying not only my not-inconsiderable frame, but 40 extra pounds of books. I was sweaty, my ankle wasn't at all happy with me, nor was my right hip or knee, but I did it. And I gained weight for my trouble. All I can hope is that I'm retaining fluid because of the humidity and that I'll have a woosh! soon. I'm making sure to drink plenty of water, though it's really starting to taste like medicine these days. :-(

I'm really wanting to be down at least 5 pounds from my last visit with Dr. M before my next visit with him on 08/04. I've gained at my last two visits, which doesn't make me happy. So a loss - even of a pound - would really be good.

I got a bathing suit at Wally World last week, and it's still hanging at home, with the tags on it. I will get in the pool tomorrow. Someone check and make sure I did, OK? I'm supposed to be getting 60 minutes of movement every day. Between my ankle, the heat and my schedule, that's been difficult. But this is NOT the easy way out that many people think it is. So, I just need to sit down with my schedule and my handy-dandy colored pencils and carve out time to exercise/move for 60 minutes/day - even if that's 6 10-minute slots. So there.

Life as I know it... at this moment. :-)

While the sprained ankle has taken up quite a bit of my mental processing faculties, other stuff -has- been going on in my life. Shocking, huh?

School update: I've always been my own worst critic when it comes to my writing, so I was just -sure- that I'd turned in a horrible, no-better-than-a-C paper last week. Of course, I turned it in at 11:52PM when it was due at 11:59PM, so I suppose that I can blame part of the self-depricating talk to sleep deprivation. :-)I had also turned in the first assignment for the other class, which I also thought was kind of crappy, mostly because I wasn't able to collect the data I wanted. Anyway, the paper received a 30/30 and the assignment received a 9.2/10. Both A's, so I need to quit my worrying and just concentrated on doing as well as I can. I've another assignment turned in and awaiting marks on it. I am hopeful I did as well, or better, than I did the first one. My big paper in 510 is due in August, but I'm working on it little by little so I'm not left with writing it at the last minute. I'm also working on my "strategic academic plan" for ITRL, which is required by the grant. Thankfully Dr. M says it's a "work in progress", but the first version of it is due next week. We are now on the downhill side of this semester so I've officially got less than 5.5 semesters left. ;-)

Health Update: I already posted about that in the whining about my ankle post yesterday, so I won't belabor the point. :-)

Path-to-Surgery Update: I've now completed the two required pre-op psychologist visits. He didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, but it was nice to hear that I am already that self-aware. Basically, the tests that I took show that I don't feel desirable and that I have a major caffiene problem. Yeah, no surprise there. He recommended that I try to find a counselor/therapist and establish a relationship with him/her before surgery so that when I need him/her after surgery - and I likely will - he/she will already know me and my history. It's not a bad idea, but I don't even know where to start with regards to finding a therapist. I may ask at the support group, as that's prolly a good place to start. I need someone with experience with bariatric patients who is also open-minded enough to allow for my somewhat ecclectic personal and religious beliefs. A fundamentalist Christian, unless it's an open-minded one & those are a rare breed, is probably right out. It's really a shame that Dr. C doesn't take long-term patients because he's so busy with the pre-op/post-op required counseling at the practice. I really like him. He did tell me I could come see him again if I felt like I needed to, so that's good. At the last visit, he gave me my pre-op behavioral plan. It wasn't all that surprising, though I'm sad that I will have to give up caffiene and even artificially sweetened drinks. :-( I'll do it, of course, because I want to be as successful as I can be, but I am the first to admit that it won't be easy for me. I went to Dr. M (different Dr. M than the one who is my SIS advisor) for the 2nd of 6 visits. I looked at my paperwork that I got from the practice, and it says "6 month diet visits/10% weight loss" so I wonder if I'd have to do all 6 months if I lost 30# in, say, 4. *shrug* Dunno. I guess we'll see. Anyway, after my visit yesterday, I'm 4 "6-month diet" visits, a support group meeting and 15-30# away from getting the approval for surgery. It looks like I'm on track still for having this done in mid-December, when I'm off for Christmas. We are scheduled for a week off through Administrative Closing days and Holidays. I'm saving up the vacation time to take the week before and the week after off, so that gives me 3 weeks post-op before I have to think about going back to work. I'm hoping to have enough time saved that I could take another week after that if I needed to and am also hoping that a month off will be enough that I can come back to light duty. If not, then I guess FMLA will have to kick in because I'll be out of leave by the end of week 4, I think. I'll have to re-calculate. I'm being very stingy with my leave so that I have it if I need it. I'm just grateful that I have it to take.

That's the news that's fit to print, I think. I'm still holding on to my sanity for the time being. :-)

Grace, thy name is Woofie

Proving once again how talented I am, I managed to sprain my ankle rather badly yesterday walking on a completely flat surface, in loafers, completely sober. That takes talent, that does. :-) Thankfully I'd already had an appointment to see my internist for month 2 of the 6-month diet thing, so I figured I'd let him poke around on my ankle and see what he thought. He poked & prodded (ouch, btw) and suggested that we do some x-rays since that's the ankle I hurt so badly back in 1991. The x-rays showed no chips, fractures, breaks or anything but a pretty good looking ankle, he said. He didn't think there was any serious ligament or tissue damage, which is a good thing. I'm going to be stopping by the 24-hour Walgreens on the way home from work tonight to pick up the type of ankle brace that he recommended so I can hopefully get back to exercise. The good news from the visit is that he said my ankle is not broken and that he gave me an inhaler for days when the Air Quality (or lack thereof) makes it hard for me to breathe. The bad news is that I was up 3#. I know that part of it was because I ran out of my diuretic so I was holding onto some fluid. He wrote me a new scrip for that, so that will help. I've also not been exercising like I should because it's so gorram hot! I've come to the conclusion that I will just have to suck it up and say, yeah, I'm fat, but I need to swim or walk in the pool, anyway, and screw anyone who doesn't like it. :-) Now I just need to find a bathing suit which is always an exercise in torture. Still, exercising in the water - whether as swimming or walking - will be much easier on my joints and probably a bit easier to tolerate in the heat. Wish me luck.

I'm setting my own goal of being down 10 pounds when I go back to see my doc in August. Realistic? I think so. I guess we'll see.

Apostrophe, part 2

I made a comment to someone at lunch today that I think I've figured out the real goal of professors in graduate school: to fill your brain with so much information all at once that you do a core dump and forget everything you ever thought you knew. :-) I know that's not -really- the goal, but it sure does seem that way sometimes.

I'm working on getting my rhythm established so that I can get everything done that I need to get done and not go completely, quietly, irretreivably insane in the process. The major problem with summer classes is that we have a full month less in which to complete a not very truncated set of assignments than we'll have in the full semester. I don't know about any other University, but here we have a 10-week full session summer semester and 14-week fall and spring semesters. Thankfully I have my laptop now, so I can tuck in at the library and write as much as I need to with books piled all around me. In fact, that's the plan for tomorrow and for Monday and Tuesday next week so that I can corral raw data into something resembling a paper. :-) What I do this weekend will depend heavily upon how convincable my body is to get out of bed and leave the house. Of course, I don't -have- to leave the house to write.

After my class tonight, I need to see if I can find some sources for my next paper so I can get started on the research. Somehow, I doubt that my Undergrad strategy of waiting until two or three days before to do the research then writing the paper the night before it's due is going to cut it here. :-) Especially considering I have an entirely new citation style to learn... Gah.

Anyway, I'm happy to report that the stress from having so much due all at once has not had me running for the Cheez-its. Or the jelly beans, for that matter, which is an awesome thing. I think that the fact that I know I'm going to be living in a semi-perpetual state of stress for the next two years lets me plan for it in a way that I can still eat the way I should and not let the stress eat my head. It may not seem like a big thing, but usually by now I'd have completely given up and given in and just eaten an entire pie or something. As it is, a friend made the hubby a red velvet cake for his birthday and sent us home with the rest of the cake. I've had one peice of that cake. One. And I -love- red velvet cake. I'm probably getting too much caffeine, but I'll take my victories as I can and count them proudly.

One thing about it being so gorram hot is that I'm definitely getting my water in. :-)

Apostrophes and Oxygen Deprivation

If you don't know what an apostrophe is with regards to enlightenment, then you need to stop reading my blog right now and go watch "Hook" with Dustin Hoffman and Robin Williams. Go! Shoo! I'll be here when you get back. :-)

Anyway, I had a bit of an apostrophe this morning. Today is the second day in a row that Knoxville has had an Orange Air Quality Action Day. That means that the air ain't fit to breathe, in the vernacular. It also means that pollen, ozone and fine particulates have mixed together into an airborne sludge that makes it extremely difficult for anyone with asthma, COPD, bronchitis, or any other pulmonary impairment to breathe. Hi, that would be me. While I've not been diagnosed with asthma officially except as exercise induced asthma, I can usually feel an Orange Alert day coming about two days before... definitely the day before. Needless to say, breathing this week has been, uh, interesting. Yeah, we'll go with "interesting". It feels like I'd have an easier time if I'd just go ahead and grow gills. :-) Because of the heat, humidity and now the poor air quality, I'm not getting even my 20 minutes. :-/ So... I'm pondering how to do that without keeling over because even indoors my breathing gets labored. I don't even want to contemplate what a Red Alert or higher would feel like, and I pray I never have to.

Anyway, the apostrophe comes in when I realized this morning that even that meager 20 minutes was helping me stay sane with regards to my food choices. I've noticed that my choices aren't as good as they are when I'm walking even 20 minutes a day. So, yeah, I really need to find a way to get that movement in. I'm really not sure when, though. I've pondered going and walking upstairs in the stacks for 20 minutes and just ignore anyone who might think that's weird. :-) I've also pondered swimming in our complex's pool after my classes are over on Monday and Thursday, even though that means not getting in the pool until after 9PM. At least I wouldn't have to worry about sunburn, right? :-) I'm considering going to the YMCA on Tuesdays and Fridays before I go to the Library. I need to see what the hours are for the downtown library... I could maybe go there for an hour or two of studying. I believe they have Wi-Fi there... even if they don't, I could use the time to peruse print resources. I'll ponder and get my act together for next week... or maybe even for Friday. I'll look up the library's hours and see what I can do. That way, I can go to the gym a couple of days a week at least. In the Fall, I'll be able to add Monday and Thursday to the mix because my classes are Wednesday AM and Saturday AM. That'll work. M, T, R, F at the gym, then to the library. Which library will depend on the hours of each. :-) Four days a week at the gym -should- be enough, I'd think. For the rest of the summer, though, I'll have to figure out what I'm doing for the days I don't go to the gym. I need to have that built-in way of making better food choices. I think that, for right now, starting today, I'll go up and walk in the stacks. It's a bit warm and stuffy up there, but at least it's cooler than it is outside. :-)

Friday, How I do Love Thee! How I do Loathe Thee!

Now that I've started Graduate School and am taking classes during the truncated summer session (10 rather than 14 weeks), I am of two minds about Fridays. On the one hand, I love the fact that it's Friday because that means that I don't have to be up at the ass-crack of dawn in the morning to be at work. On the other hand, Friday means the end of the week, which means one less week in which to get done all the projects we need to get done. It's kind of a weird paradox, and I might come to grips with it about the time that I graduate. :-)

In class last night, my professor extended the deadline on the project that was due next week. I am glad about that. It's not like I needed the full week that he extended it... just another day or so should be fine. As he put it, though, extending the deadline on this project is sort of like "robbing Peter to pay Paul" because concentrating longer on this project takes time away from the bigger project due in a few weeks. I'm sort of concentrating on both, so it's not too bad for me. The project I'm currently the most concerned about is the assignement that's due on Monday. It's not a terribly long assignment, but it has caused me to totally re-think the idea of "Reference" in a library setting, and paradigm shifts usually take a bit of getting used to.

As an Undergrad at the same University I'm now attending as a Grad student, Reference was a totally different beast than it is now. To put a scope on this, I graduated with my BA in 1995, a mere 15 years ago. In that time, information technology has exploded and so much is done online now - including my classes - that would have been considered practically science fiction when I graduated in 1995. When I was in college from 1991-1995, HTML was new and exciting and always hand-coded. None of this Frontpage frou-frou nonsense. ;-) You didn't find graphical internet browsers; text-based browers like LYNX were the standard. I remember looking at the internet via Netscape in 1995 and was amazed, even if the images weren't the near-photographic quality they are now. If you wanted to find a journal article via an online search, you used something called InfoTrac, which was a pain in the butt to use and navigate. Reader's Guide to Periodical Literature would usually get you to your information a LOT faster and more easily. 20 years ago, Librarians were worried that TELNET Gopher would make them obselete, now it's Google. Getting back to my original point, the Reference Desk - which used to be in the Reference Service area in the mid-1990's when I was there - is now the "Research Assistance" desk housed within the Commons area. I wager that most of the reference questions they get are either via text chat/text message or e-mail. The assignment due Monday required me to observe the "Reference Desk" and report my findings. I observed this desk for an hour and a half, and there was only 1 in-person reference query. If that's not the changing face of libraries, I don't know what is.

This stroll down amnesia lane got me thinking... if I've noticed these changes in technology having taken place in the last 15-20 years, I have to wonder what it's like to live inside the mind of my Great Aunt who has lived from steam engines to space exploration.

I suppose that it's the height of irony that I'm having a discussion about the changes in information technology via a blog. Such is life.

Update on Yesterday's Post

The friend I mentioned in yesterday's post passed yesterday afternoon. I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

Feeling Very Conflicted

I found out a couple of days ago that a friend (well, in the sense that a I know her pretty well and she's more of an acquaintance) had a stroke. Her husband came home after a day out with his son to find her unconscious and in a pool of blood from where she hit her head. She's not regained consciousness and the MRI shows that the damage was massive. She's been moved to Hospice where they're letting nature take it's course.

I should feel bad about this, right?

That's why I'm feeling conflicted: because I don't. Not really. I feel badly for her family, with whom I am much closer. I feel badly for her actual friends, with whom I am much closer.

I do feel badly for her because it seems like she's been trying to die for years. I hope now that she seems to be getting her wish that it's a peaceful passing, and I am praying to that end.

I do know that seeing her long, downhill slide has helped me to realize that I'm still young enough to reverse a lot of the damage I've done to myself and my health over the years. I hope that I, too, can be an example to people... just not in the same way she is.

To that end, I walked today for 20 minutes in the heat and humidity. I need to get a bathing suit so I can start swimming, too... in my copious free time. ;-)

What was I thinking? :-)

I'm not seriously doubting my decision to graduate school, but I have to question my sanity sometimes trying to do it and work full time. In any case, I'm caught up with all my reading and am trying to stay a little ahead (easier said than done, but I'm trying). I have two projects due next week, so I'm trying to get them done AND keep up with the reading. I think I'm OK and I'm really liking my classes.

So, how is going to graduate school and working full time interfering with my wellness program? Funnily enough, it's not. In fact, I think I'm actually benefitting from it in that regard. I'm walking home from the library, which is about 40 minutes, 2X/week, and I've been helping Circulation get books shelved. Since my classes are online and I've been getting online @ home, I've been thinking about setting my laptop to the side and using the pedaler when I don't actually have to talk. So far, I'm not stress eating, which is a novel concept, but I'm excited to recognize that I may be stressed out, but I'm not turning to food to salve it. This is a GOOD thing.

I go see the psychologist on 07/01 and 07/06. I had to change my appointments due to financial constraints and because my evening shift day changed. I go back to see my PCP on 07/07 so we can see how much progress I've made, if any. I've not lost a LOT according to my home scale, but I'll be happy with even 2 pounds since my last visit. I would, of course, be much happier with 5 or 6 pounds, but I'll take the downward trend over the upward trend, any day. :-)

I hope all are well! TTFN.

Holy Crazy Week, Batman!

I have had quite an intersting week. But, first, a report on the buffet. I think I did OK. I only went twice; once for food, and once for fruit for dessert. The first trip, I concentrated on non-fried food and I got tastes of many of my favorite dishes. The only thing breaded I got was coconut chicken, which is one of my faves. I ate slowly and savored the tastes of the food, which helped me realize that I didn't need more than what I got; I was plenty full.

Okay, my interesting week.

I came back from my lunch break on Monday to two voice mail messages, one on my cell phone and one on my work phone. They were both from my SIS advisor asking me to call him right away. As I was headed immediately to the Circulation Desk, I couldn't call, but I did check my email and saw that he'd sent me an email, as well. I responded to that email telling him what time I was done at the Desk and asked if that would be a good time to call. He must've been waiting for some kind of response from me because I got an almost immediate response saying that would be fine and the he would be waiting for my call. Of course the hour I spent at the Desk had my mind whirring on what he might want to talk to me about. Honestly, my first, fearful thought was that they'd changed their mind and didn't really want me in the Program. :-/

So, I called Dr. M when I got back to my office. He told me that someone who'd been awarded the ITRL (Information Technology in Rural Libraries) scholarship had to withdraw from the program citing personal reasons. He asked me if I were still interested in the program, as I was the first person on the waiting list. I told him that I was and accepted the scholarship over the phone. I then had the task of hurrying up and getting ducks in a row and my first class was Monday night. Unfortunately, UT classes actually began last Thursday, so I'm a week behind in one of my classes, but I'm diligently working to get caught up. There is a -serious- amount of reading, but it's at least interesting (to me) reading. Thankfully, the DE courses are recorded, so I was able to listen to the lecture from last week and can go into tonight's class not as far behind as I might've been otherwise.

When I said that this was my year, I do believe that the 'Verse was listening! My posts might prove a bit more erratic, but I am going to attempt to keep up with this blog.

Wish me luck!

TGIF... sort of.

I am really glad it's Friday, don't get me wrong. Why is it that four-day weeks always seem to be about 10 days long? Probably because we try to cram five days worth of work into four days. Anyway...

I'm cooking along with the mental work that I think is needed to get through this process and be successful on the other side. I do hope that the changes I'm making are lasting, because I kinda like the person I'm becoming. As I said in my last post, I'm nervous about the meeting with the psychologist. But something is happening tomorrow that I'm even MORE nervous about, if you can believe it.

A trip to the Chinese buffet.

I'm going out of town and the folks I'm going with have decided that's where they want to eat. One of my friends is a dialysis patient with a limited appetite, so when he decides he thinks he can eat something, that's where we go. I do try to make the best choices from what is available, but I've not tested myself at a buffet yet. *gulp* I'm trying to decide if I want to wait for the full test until my new habits are better ingrained and see if they have a menu I can order from or if I should just jump into the deep end and go for one trip and avoid the fried stuff and mounds of rice. I suppose I'll make my decision upon walking in the front door and it may depend upon how much the buffet is and how much an entree is. For once in my life, though, I'm more concerned about the cost of a buffet to my eating/mental decluttering process than what it might cost financially.

But, if ordering off the menu is a lot cheaper, I will probably go that route and leave more left over for the used book store. :-)

Have a great weekend, y'all!

The 6-Month Medically Supervised Diet Begins

I have re-set my weightloss ticker (look to your left) to show my starting weight for the 6-month medically supervised diet, which began today with a visit to my internist. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore my doctor? No? Well, I think Blogger puts a limit on my posts, so I probably don't have room here. Suffice it to say that I am extremely fortunate that my doctor is also a Healer. Do you have any idea how rare that is? Believe me. It is. I don't know if anyone out there remembers Richard Simmons' "Deal a Meal" but the first doctor I had as a newly insured person seemed to follow that approach. In his mind, he'd put my characteristics on cards: I'm overweight, I'm a woman, I'm (well was then) under 30, et cetera. Then, he'd just pluck one at random and that's what he'd hang whatever it was I'd come to see him on. Sometimes it was a weird combo and I wondered how he could even come to that conclusion. For example, did you know that more women than men suffer from plantar faciitis? You didn't? Me either. Okay, really we do, but that's not the point. I'm not a high heels wearing fashionista so blaming my plantar faciitis just on the fact that I have two X chromosomes is just silly, don't you think. Needless to say, just about any doctor would've seemed heaven-sent after that guy.

I think I'm edging a bit far afield here...

So, I met with the doc and he seems to think I have a decently well-thought out approach to this. He said we'll see how I'm doing when I come back to see him in a month and if it's working, we won't try to fix it. If it's not, then we'll tinker. I did find out two good things today. Thing 1: he'd already sent my surgeon's office a letter of medical necessity so that's one more check mark. Thing 2: my anti-depressant is one that has been shown NOT to cause ulcers, so I should be OK with taking it post-op. While I do hope that my increasing wellness of body AND mind will assist me in going off of all my medications, knowing that I can still take it if I need to is comforting to me.

Next week is my first appointment with the psychologist. Expect nervous rambling about that for the next few posts, especially as we get closer. I've never been to a psychologist, so I am a bit anxious. I think that I'm afraid that he'll tell me that I can't have the surgery for some reason. I know that thought is rooted in fear, but I can't help it. Maybe I need to get on the message boards and see what I can see about that.

TTFN!

I'm so proud... of myself!

I was hoping for a proud-of-me moment. I didn't know when it would come... how soon... in what form... how I would celebrate it. In some vernacular, these are called NSVs or non-scale victories. They are the best ways to measure your success when you are in this for the long haul, and not just to look great during swimsuit season. Sometimes, these come in the form of someone noticing for the first time that you are losing weight. Sometimes, it's the fact that you can no longer shop in the "big girl" section. Sometimes it comes when you are facing your food addictions down both barrels and you say to the food "hey, sissy, is that all you've got?" That's what my victory, what my proud-of-me moment is all about.

Yesterday, I made the conscious decision to finish off the remains of a package of Twizzlers (hereafter known as ropes of HFCS) so they wouldn't be in the house anymore. I planned for it in my food budget, so I committed the crime with complete malice of forethought, but I plead guilty to a minor offense, your Honor. I also had my planned supper and, at 9PM, I mentally flipped the "closed" sign on the kitchen. Right now, my eating cut-off time is 9PM. I'm trying to edge it closer to 8PM as we get used to not cooking so late, but right now it's 9PM.

Anyway, DH came home a bit after 10PM and offered me one of his dark chocolate Reese's cups. Anyone who knows me at all well knows that this was a recipe for disaster. Dark chocolate? Peanut butter? My idea of manna from Heaven. But you know what? I said that I appreciated the offer but that I'd already had those Twizzlers and I didn't really think I should over-do it on the sugar. Plus, it was after 9PM.

Woo frickin' hoo! That's a proud-of-me moment for the record books, I think. I actually chose not to have a Reese's cup because I'd already chosen to have the Twizzlers. Now, if I can just keep that mindset up, I may have a shot of getting the 30 pounds I need to lose before my surgery lost and then have a good liklihood of being really successful post-op.

Now I'm trying to find a Yoga class I like. I really think that is going to be the key to my losing a lot of the mental weight I'm carrying around, which can only help me lose the physical weight.

I live!

I've been taking a self-imposed internet sabbatical which has been quite useful for me, but I will probably be back a bit more now.

Anyway, an update on the pathway to my surgery... I had my initial consult with the surgeon on 05/13/2010. He's very nice and extremely quiet. I had the feeling that he would have answered my questions for days if I'd kept asking them. The surgery we decided on, at least for now, is the vertical sleeve gastrectomy. It is similar to the Lap-Band/Realize Band in that it is a restrictive form of weight loss surgery. The major difference is that with the Sleeve, the surgeon removes about 80-90% of your stomach, making it totally irreversible. It will allow me to digest just about any kind of food once I'm past the first 6 months post-op, which is good. It will also allow me to take NSAIDs if necessary. The type of surgery MIGHT change, but I doubt it. I feel pretty comfortable about it. The sleeve used to be the first step in a duoedenal switch surgery or bypass because it allowed for super morbidly obeses patients to loose over 100 pounds, thereby making them safer to operate on. In the last few years, bariatric surgeons have discovered that it is safe to do as a stand-alone procedure and that it has similar weight loss projections as bypass without the risk of vitamin deficiencies because the small bowel is not bypassed.

The same day I had my initial consult, I met with the Insurance specialist at the clinic and we got my ball rolling towards fulfilling all of the clinic's requirements and all of my insurance company's requirements. Many of them overlap, so that's good. I've felt a Divine hand guiding this process because I've already (since 05/13/2010) had the initial consult; had an EKG, Upper GI series, and lab work; gone to the pre-surgery weight loss class; gone to the emotions and overeating class; and I've got my two psychologist visits next week and the week after. So, all I have left are those visits which are already pre-authorized, gettting a letter of medical necessity from my PCP, 5 years of records from him showing that I've been morbidly obese for a long time (duh), and I have to go to a support group meeting.

One of the insurance requirements is a 6 month medically-supervised diet. I was told that my PCP can oversee that, so I'm going to let him. That way, he can be as in the loop as I can make him, which I know he likes. I start that on Thursday. I don't know if I'll have to go the full 6 months or not. We'll talk about that then, I expect. As a State employee, they can go back 2 years in my medical records. I know that my PCP and I have discussed what diet I'm doing, what exercise, et cetera. Since my doc has sent people to this clinic for surgery before, I think he'll know what sorts of records he has for me will count towards this requirement.

So, really, the only appointments I need to worry about with regards to DH's schedule are my appts with the psychologist and then the monthly visit to my PCP for the diet. It's actually been a lot less difficult getting to everything than I feared it would be. Again, that's why I feel that a Divine hand is guiding the process.