Hmmmm...

Life is pretty stressy right now. At the end of last year, we though we were going to have to pack up and move and did not know where we might move to. Then, a very dear friend passed leaving a huge hole in my heart. Recently, another friend passed, also leaving a hole in my heart, though perhaps not as big because I didn't know him as well. However, his presence in my life will be greatly missed.

In the midst of all that (and starting well before), I felt like I was losing myself. I couldn't feel much except that a nervous breakdown was always looming. What I felt was the right thing to do at the time was to close myself off from other people because I didn't want to drag them down the rabbit hole with me. What I neglected to take into consideration is that there are some folks connected to me in such a way that closing myself off to them didn't keep them from going down the rabbit hole with me; it only succeeded in not allowing us to cling to each other in the crisis. The rational, thinking, coherent person I'm re-becoming would have known that was a bad idea and would have figured out ways around it. However, at the time, it was what felt like the thing to do because I wanted nothing more than to protect the people I love.

Unfortunately, the only thing I have succeeded at is alienating those who love me. I'm trying to re-establish lines of communication but am having trouble getting past the hurt feelings. I honestly don't know what else to try except show that I'm trying to not be the person I was for those many months, that I want folks in my life again, and that I am truly sorry for the pain and hurt I have caused. I was hurting, too, but like the wounded animal I was, I couldn't see past my own hurt. Frankly, I'm still hurting, but I'm willing to try to mend fences so that we can all work through this hurt together. I only hope that people are willing to do that instead of just jump my case for not letting them in the first place. I don't know if I have it in me to keep trying to mend fences if other people won't take a couple steps forward, too, and keep holding me at arm's length. Perhaps, it's my karma because that is what I was doing to them, but I do need some give & take to keep giving.

On top of the emotional stress, I've discovered something that could potentially be a problem physically. Because one of the friends that passed away died from metastisized skin cancer, I've been careful to wear my suscreen and stay out of the sun as much as possible. However, I wasn't always this careful. Now that it's short-sleeves weather, I have noticed a spot on my shoulder that is a bit troubling to me. I've been keeping an eye on it and it hasn't gotten any bigger or changed shape or anything like that, but it's also not exactly "normal" looking. So, without being prompted, I decided that I need to go let my doctor look at it, just to be sure. I am really hoping that I'll hear that it's nothing to be worried about, but if, Gods forbid, it is something, catching it early is never a bad thing. So, good thoughts towards quick, accurate diagnosis are graciously accepted.

I also figured that, since I'll be there anyway, I'll have him take a look @ my left hip. I have my 'picions what it is and what I can do to treat it, but it will be good to rule out any of the potentially dangerous problems that it might be. I'm going to have to put my foot down about PT, though because I simply don't have a way to get there, unless he knows of a PT who has evening (and I mean after 6:30) appointments or who can see me only on Saturday. Otherwise, I'm SoL. If it's what I think it is, I already have PT exercises to do for it and I'll keep doing those once I get his much more highly educated opinion. :-) I may also have to switch from the treadmill to swimming exclusively for my cardio, but that's okay. That's one of the reasons we joined a gym with a pool. I'm just hoping it's not a problem with the skeletal parts of my hip, because the only thing you can really do @ that point is surgery.

Anyway. I'm still managing to stay on program thru all this stress. I just hope that continues.